Tuesday, January 5, 2010

72 Virgins

[Author's note: No, I am not proud of the following entry.] So the thing with jihad is that you blow yourself up, and then you die and get 72 virgins. So the question I pose is: “Is this awesome?”

First of all, where did the number 72 come from? Is it so the terrorists can do one virgin an hour for every hour on a three day weekend? But this would imply that they would have to start doing virgins at midnight of the first day. That doesn't make sense. Further, do we even know if they have weekends in terrorist heaven. Let alone extended weekends. If this is true, it implies that terrorist souls have a work week. I 'd bet they have to work for the souls in the better, non-Muslim heavens.

Also, doing a virgin isn't fun. It sort of sucks. In fact, having sex with a virgin is the most overrated thing since a movie that is highly rated but doesn't have any big titties or rollerball. There's awkwardness and blame and blood, which is like regular sex, plus blood. The only good thing about a virgin is if you have a small penis and they have nothing to reference it against. So when a girl is all like “are all boys' wieners that small?” And somebody that definitely isn't me can be all like, “what? Uh...no. Most boys' wieners are smaller. Hilariously smaller. Fuck you!”

Another important question somebody should know before committing jihad is: Who are these virgins? Are they just regular people from Earth Prime that have died a virgin and their souls go up to Muslim heaven to please terrorists? The only people that die a virgin are people who are too young to ever have sex and those too ugly to expose their genitalia to willing eyes. If this were the case, it really is not worth blowing yourself up just to find 72 cripples and babies waiting for you naked and covered in rose petals. Sure a BJ from some chick with a harelip might be cool, but the whole baby thing is kinda gross. I never realized that terrorists are so messed up. Furthermore, I am pretty sure that when babies die, they stay in their baby form, but their mind still matures, sort of like Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Furthermore still, what do you talk about with these babies when you are not having sex. Since they have no life experience, that limits the range of available discussion topics. Do you say things like “So, I hear you hate plastic bags.” or “What was it like having Eric Clapton as a dad?”

      So right now, you, non-existing reader, are probably thinking: “actually, these virgins aren't spirits from earth, but rather houri, whom most resemble the djinns of Aramaic folklore. Regardless, none of this is an actual belief of the religion.” So what I guess you are trying to tell me is that since these spirits aren't ghosts from people, they can then be any possible form that I can imagine and desire! That is... awesome! I guess you either get to choose them or there is some sort of default setup. I predict the default setup of virgins probably would aim towards maximizing the variety. This would have them be from the three integral age groups: young, milf, or cougar. Each of those you might want to be white, black, or Asian. Then you probably have the choices of thin/fat, big tits/small tits, and big butt/small butt*. So this variety leads to 3x3x2x2x2=72 choices, which now indisputably explains why the number of virgins offered is 72.

      Personally, I would deviate from the default option and try to obtain an unsettling amout of variety above all else. Think how much your tastes have widened since puberty. Well, you'll be with these virgins for all of eternity. Just to be safe, I would put in people that I wouldn't possibly find attractive now, but I would find attractive in 5 bazillion years. That includes you, harelip girl. I figure I might as well be safe, since I might wake up some day and think to myself, “Man, I really feel like laying a bone in a young Golda Meir, while suckling the teats of a midget that has the face of Sylvia Plath... Actually, make that two faces of Silvia Plath” Who knows if I'll ever get sick of the whole female form in general and I'd have to move to humanoid with little resemblance to humans. Just in case, I'll put that singer from Jabba the Hut's band on my list. (Not to be confused with that alien that dances for Jabba, but that's a given). I'd also put Batman on the list, not because I want to screw Batman**, but I would really like to double team a girl with Batman. Also, when you are not laying pipe, it's be cool to hang with Batman. I have always been curious to ask him whether or not Oracle was raped when Joker shot her. Talking about dudes (i.e. Batman), I think I might want to put a couple of guys on the list, just in case I go through some some sort of phase in a couple million years. Not like real men or anything, but just some Asian guys or something.

      So, all in all, jihad isn't awesome. Don't do it people.

*Sorry about the gender bias. I didn't mean to imply that females can't be terrorists too. To switch these for females, just replace the words “tits” with “wieners”, “milfs” to “dilfs”, and “cougars” to “cougarinos”
**Well, at least not yet.***
***Okay, maybe a little. Especially if you could involve Harlequin. But that goes without saying.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The 6 Greatest Action Films of All Time

6-Rollerball (1975)
This movie is so painfully awesome. This movie is about the year 2018, which you can tell because everything is written in Lady Starlight font. Also, everyone loves this game Rollerball, where the only rules are that there are lots and lots of confusing rules... and motorcycles.

5-Rollerball (2002)
This is basically a frame for frame remake of the original, but the year that it takes place in is 2005. Almost all science fiction remakes take place at later times than the originals, but the producers thought that we were much closer to achieving our Rollerball future than initially anticipated. I guess the producers told a bunch of scientists, “when can you get me a Rollerball filled future”, and the scientists said, “At the rate we are going, hopefully within 2 years”, and then the producers said, “Well, we'll make the film take place in 3 years just to be safe. We don't want this film to be embarrassingly inaccurate.”

4-The Greatest Game Ever Played
So when I went to see this movie twice, I was all excited for another Rollerball remake. This movie is actually not about Rollerball at all. Its actually about golf, making this movie the most misleading title since Life is Beautiful. Seriously, this movie should be called: “The Stupidest Fucking Game That Has Ever Been, For Lack of a Better Term, Played, and It Has Nothing to Do With Rollerball, Which is an Awesome Sport/Movies”. After I saw this movie, it made me just run out and watch Rollerball again, which is why its on this list, because I wish more movies made me watch Rollerball.

3-The Shawshank Redemption
This film is about a man escaping from a Rollerball-less prison. This film shows how a man's body can be confined, but his soul is still free, since it's implied that his soul yearns for Rollerball.

2-Sorry, I thought there were six greatest action films, but there is only five. So now you should reread the list thus far while subtracting 1 from each ranking.

And the #1 greatest action film of all time is...

1-Rollerball (1975)
This movie is so painfully awesome. It takes place in the year 2018, which you can tell because everything is written in Lady Starlight font. Also, everyone loves this game Rollerball, a game where the only rules are that there are lots and lots of confusing rules... and motorcycles.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Gotham City Sky Lights

Why does every building in Gotham City have a sky light? And if the eccentric criminals don't break through it, then Batman will. Does this mean that when Batman goes to a crime, he's all like "Let's see. Where is that skylight? Oh... It looked like the criminals have already broken through it. I guess I'll just us the door... Wait, is that another sky light? Nope... Maybe there is still some glass in the sky light that isn't broken that I could jump through."

Canada: America's Hat

I keep seeing people wearing a T-shirt that says "Canada is America's Hat". I don't really get why this is funny. Is it because Canada is north of us? Does Mexico have shirts that say "America is Mexico's Hat. And so is Canada. They are both one big hat. A sombrero, I guess." This will probably lead to Americans wearing shirts that say, "America is not Mexico's hat. Mexico is America's penis. And Florida is America's smaller penis that is used for boning ugly chicks. And California is another penis that is an erection and is pressed against the body so nobody sees that it is an erection."

I guess then that France would start wearing shirts that said, "America has so many dicks because it is always fucking over Africa and the Middle East" And then America would wear shirts that said, "Stay out of this France. First of all, who asked you. And second of all, we wouldn't fuck Africa because Africa has AIDs." And then Mexicans will start wearing shirts that say, "Wait, maybe America is Mexico's helmet of some sorts and Alaska is..." and these shirts will be interrupted by American shirts that say, "Shut up, Mexico! Canada is our hat. That's all."
All I'm saying is that this all seems kinda unnecessary to me.


I have an old fashion GPS. It stands for Giant Penis Syndrome. I swing my giant penis around till it hits the destination that I need to find. The main difference between my giant penis and the common man's GPS is that instead of having a Shortest Distance option, my penis only has a Long Distance option and a Longest Distance option.

Anthony Scalia Loves Docking

Today I read about how in 2003 the supreme court overruled all sodomy bans in the case of Lawrence v. Texas. Justice Scalia wrote a dissent where he mentions how states should be allowed to ban anal and oral sex. It made me wonder why Scalia has no problem with penis-on-penis action (e.g. docking, frotting, etc.) Scalia says in his dissent that he has "nothing against homosexuals, or any other group, promoting their agenda through normal democratic means." So I guess penis-on-penis action is "normal democratic means" to Anthony Scalia. Pretty weird Scalia. Pretty weird.
I personally think sodomy should be legalized and taxed.