Tuesday, January 5, 2010

72 Virgins

[Author's note: No, I am not proud of the following entry.] So the thing with jihad is that you blow yourself up, and then you die and get 72 virgins. So the question I pose is: “Is this awesome?”

First of all, where did the number 72 come from? Is it so the terrorists can do one virgin an hour for every hour on a three day weekend? But this would imply that they would have to start doing virgins at midnight of the first day. That doesn't make sense. Further, do we even know if they have weekends in terrorist heaven. Let alone extended weekends. If this is true, it implies that terrorist souls have a work week. I 'd bet they have to work for the souls in the better, non-Muslim heavens.

Also, doing a virgin isn't fun. It sort of sucks. In fact, having sex with a virgin is the most overrated thing since a movie that is highly rated but doesn't have any big titties or rollerball. There's awkwardness and blame and blood, which is like regular sex, plus blood. The only good thing about a virgin is if you have a small penis and they have nothing to reference it against. So when a girl is all like “are all boys' wieners that small?” And somebody that definitely isn't me can be all like, “what? Uh...no. Most boys' wieners are smaller. Hilariously smaller. Fuck you!”

Another important question somebody should know before committing jihad is: Who are these virgins? Are they just regular people from Earth Prime that have died a virgin and their souls go up to Muslim heaven to please terrorists? The only people that die a virgin are people who are too young to ever have sex and those too ugly to expose their genitalia to willing eyes. If this were the case, it really is not worth blowing yourself up just to find 72 cripples and babies waiting for you naked and covered in rose petals. Sure a BJ from some chick with a harelip might be cool, but the whole baby thing is kinda gross. I never realized that terrorists are so messed up. Furthermore, I am pretty sure that when babies die, they stay in their baby form, but their mind still matures, sort of like Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Furthermore still, what do you talk about with these babies when you are not having sex. Since they have no life experience, that limits the range of available discussion topics. Do you say things like “So, I hear you hate plastic bags.” or “What was it like having Eric Clapton as a dad?”

      So right now, you, non-existing reader, are probably thinking: “actually, these virgins aren't spirits from earth, but rather houri, whom most resemble the djinns of Aramaic folklore. Regardless, none of this is an actual belief of the religion.” So what I guess you are trying to tell me is that since these spirits aren't ghosts from people, they can then be any possible form that I can imagine and desire! That is... awesome! I guess you either get to choose them or there is some sort of default setup. I predict the default setup of virgins probably would aim towards maximizing the variety. This would have them be from the three integral age groups: young, milf, or cougar. Each of those you might want to be white, black, or Asian. Then you probably have the choices of thin/fat, big tits/small tits, and big butt/small butt*. So this variety leads to 3x3x2x2x2=72 choices, which now indisputably explains why the number of virgins offered is 72.

      Personally, I would deviate from the default option and try to obtain an unsettling amout of variety above all else. Think how much your tastes have widened since puberty. Well, you'll be with these virgins for all of eternity. Just to be safe, I would put in people that I wouldn't possibly find attractive now, but I would find attractive in 5 bazillion years. That includes you, harelip girl. I figure I might as well be safe, since I might wake up some day and think to myself, “Man, I really feel like laying a bone in a young Golda Meir, while suckling the teats of a midget that has the face of Sylvia Plath... Actually, make that two faces of Silvia Plath” Who knows if I'll ever get sick of the whole female form in general and I'd have to move to humanoid with little resemblance to humans. Just in case, I'll put that singer from Jabba the Hut's band on my list. (Not to be confused with that alien that dances for Jabba, but that's a given). I'd also put Batman on the list, not because I want to screw Batman**, but I would really like to double team a girl with Batman. Also, when you are not laying pipe, it's be cool to hang with Batman. I have always been curious to ask him whether or not Oracle was raped when Joker shot her. Talking about dudes (i.e. Batman), I think I might want to put a couple of guys on the list, just in case I go through some some sort of phase in a couple million years. Not like real men or anything, but just some Asian guys or something.

      So, all in all, jihad isn't awesome. Don't do it people.

*Sorry about the gender bias. I didn't mean to imply that females can't be terrorists too. To switch these for females, just replace the words “tits” with “wieners”, “milfs” to “dilfs”, and “cougars” to “cougarinos”
**Well, at least not yet.***
***Okay, maybe a little. Especially if you could involve Harlequin. But that goes without saying.

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