Sunday, November 1, 2009

The 6 Greatest Action Films of All Time

6-Rollerball (1975)
This movie is so painfully awesome. This movie is about the year 2018, which you can tell because everything is written in Lady Starlight font. Also, everyone loves this game Rollerball, where the only rules are that there are lots and lots of confusing rules... and motorcycles.

5-Rollerball (2002)
This is basically a frame for frame remake of the original, but the year that it takes place in is 2005. Almost all science fiction remakes take place at later times than the originals, but the producers thought that we were much closer to achieving our Rollerball future than initially anticipated. I guess the producers told a bunch of scientists, “when can you get me a Rollerball filled future”, and the scientists said, “At the rate we are going, hopefully within 2 years”, and then the producers said, “Well, we'll make the film take place in 3 years just to be safe. We don't want this film to be embarrassingly inaccurate.”

4-The Greatest Game Ever Played
So when I went to see this movie twice, I was all excited for another Rollerball remake. This movie is actually not about Rollerball at all. Its actually about golf, making this movie the most misleading title since Life is Beautiful. Seriously, this movie should be called: “The Stupidest Fucking Game That Has Ever Been, For Lack of a Better Term, Played, and It Has Nothing to Do With Rollerball, Which is an Awesome Sport/Movies”. After I saw this movie, it made me just run out and watch Rollerball again, which is why its on this list, because I wish more movies made me watch Rollerball.

3-The Shawshank Redemption
This film is about a man escaping from a Rollerball-less prison. This film shows how a man's body can be confined, but his soul is still free, since it's implied that his soul yearns for Rollerball.

2-Sorry, I thought there were six greatest action films, but there is only five. So now you should reread the list thus far while subtracting 1 from each ranking.

And the #1 greatest action film of all time is...

1-Rollerball (1975)
This movie is so painfully awesome. It takes place in the year 2018, which you can tell because everything is written in Lady Starlight font. Also, everyone loves this game Rollerball, a game where the only rules are that there are lots and lots of confusing rules... and motorcycles.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Gotham City Sky Lights

Why does every building in Gotham City have a sky light? And if the eccentric criminals don't break through it, then Batman will. Does this mean that when Batman goes to a crime, he's all like "Let's see. Where is that skylight? Oh... It looked like the criminals have already broken through it. I guess I'll just us the door... Wait, is that another sky light? Nope... Maybe there is still some glass in the sky light that isn't broken that I could jump through."

Canada: America's Hat

I keep seeing people wearing a T-shirt that says "Canada is America's Hat". I don't really get why this is funny. Is it because Canada is north of us? Does Mexico have shirts that say "America is Mexico's Hat. And so is Canada. They are both one big hat. A sombrero, I guess." This will probably lead to Americans wearing shirts that say, "America is not Mexico's hat. Mexico is America's penis. And Florida is America's smaller penis that is used for boning ugly chicks. And California is another penis that is an erection and is pressed against the body so nobody sees that it is an erection."

I guess then that France would start wearing shirts that said, "America has so many dicks because it is always fucking over Africa and the Middle East" And then America would wear shirts that said, "Stay out of this France. First of all, who asked you. And second of all, we wouldn't fuck Africa because Africa has AIDs." And then Mexicans will start wearing shirts that say, "Wait, maybe America is Mexico's helmet of some sorts and Alaska is..." and these shirts will be interrupted by American shirts that say, "Shut up, Mexico! Canada is our hat. That's all."
All I'm saying is that this all seems kinda unnecessary to me.


I have an old fashion GPS. It stands for Giant Penis Syndrome. I swing my giant penis around till it hits the destination that I need to find. The main difference between my giant penis and the common man's GPS is that instead of having a Shortest Distance option, my penis only has a Long Distance option and a Longest Distance option.

Anthony Scalia Loves Docking

Today I read about how in 2003 the supreme court overruled all sodomy bans in the case of Lawrence v. Texas. Justice Scalia wrote a dissent where he mentions how states should be allowed to ban anal and oral sex. It made me wonder why Scalia has no problem with penis-on-penis action (e.g. docking, frotting, etc.) Scalia says in his dissent that he has "nothing against homosexuals, or any other group, promoting their agenda through normal democratic means." So I guess penis-on-penis action is "normal democratic means" to Anthony Scalia. Pretty weird Scalia. Pretty weird.
I personally think sodomy should be legalized and taxed.